MY SECOND CONVERSION

MY SECOND CONVERSIONSometime ago, I went home on holiday. As I flew from Kinshasa to Goma, within the Congo, I was excited at the thought of seeing my home town as well as my relatives and friends that I hadn’t seen for 3 years. On the plane I was making plans for visitations and some relaxation.Suddenly something happened: the plane was losing balance and we suspected there was a great risk of crush. In fact we started experiencing the physical imbalance of the plane: it was jumping up and down, the noise of the engine was getting softer as if it was about to stop. We had the impression that the pilots had lost control over the plane and everyone was just waiting for the fatal moment as the plane started deviating from its trajectory. Emotions and panic became intense…all the lights went off and the crew members disappeared from our sight. This was a horrible moment of my life. I never experienced such a thing before that day. I witnessed hopelessly children, elderly, pregnant women, other women screaming, crying, lamenting, hiding under seats… and begging God for mercy. Since no one knew what was happening, there was a general panic on the plane.My whole being was invaded by fear. I started experiencing it in my chest as if I was squeezed and unable to breathe. The longer this experience lasted, the more traumatic it became. In the end I entrusted my life into God’s hands through the intercession of Mary as I started praying the rosary. I noticed there was another man, the only one who was praying aloud and invoking constantly Jesus’ name for protection. It appeared that we were praying, not out of trust in God but out of fear. This whole adventure lasted about half hour but it was repeated for about another half hour or so. When this happened for the second time, we were already all destroyed psychologically. Eventually we arrived at our destination before the plane crushed.  As we were landing at Goma, I noticed that some of us were no longer able to talk fluently. Many of us were gazing at each other like dead people. Indeed WE were dead people walking.What did that experience mean to me? As I think of it now, the word that comes to my mind is FEAR OF DEATH. I was terrified by the thought that I was going to die. I was angry at God for allowing me to die too soon for I believed I was too young to die. Somehow I had convinced myself that I still had a lot to do in this world so that such a sudden death would be both unfair and disastrous. This experience has challenged my understanding of life, death and of God.Given the fact that I was still in my thirties at the time of the incident, and I was in very good health, I had come to believe that I was in control of everything. I made big projects for the future and took life for granted. The lesson I learnt is that our life is in God’s hand and the only thing we possess is our present time. We may make projects for the future but we should be humble enough to understand that we have no control over it. This is like an invitation to live fully our present moment for that is the only thing we possess with surety. This echoes the parable of Jesus about the rich fool in the Gospel of Luke: “…And I will say to myself: take life easy, eat, drink and be merry …But God said to him “You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself? ” My understanding of death was also challenged by the fact that I never integrated the reality of death in my life. I would always keep death out of my life. I never allowed myself to thing or talk about my own possible death. That incident helped me understand that death is a reality I need to face personally. Death and life are inter-related. It is not realistic to conceive my life without end. That end is called death. It is good to be aware that I will die one day and this can happen at any time. This became a time of reconciliation with a part human reality, reconciliation with the other face of life, which we call death. It is only after this experience that I became free to talk about the possibility of my death one day. Death has become sister death, according to the words of St. Francis of Assisi. I see now death, not as something strange or remote but a very natural process and very close to me. My relationship with God was also challenged in the sense that I had conceived a God in my own image: as far as everything went on well God was good to me, he was caring, loving, merciful and compassionate. Now that I was in trouble, I found myself questioning God’s goodness. God seemed no longer to be in charge. This episode of my life helped me understand that God is different from what I want him to be, He is not to be dictated by my needs of feelings. In fact God is a mystery and will always be, for I can’t exhaust his understanding. The words of Job, as he was struggling with understanding God’s ways, became reality in my life: I am unworthy …I put my hand over my mouth. I spoke once, but I have no answer, twice but I will say no more. Or again My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes. All this happened while I was trying to understand the meaning of my life. I was struggling with the question of how my life has been useful to the world. More tragically I was questioning my vocation. I was asking myself whether I was doing the right thing or not, whether I was working in a right place or not. I would say the developmental task I was dealing with was what Newman and Newman describes as managing a career or managing the household   that corresponds to middle adulthood life stage (34 to 60 years old). This is the time when one needs to be stable and fully take charge of business. The fact that I had been moving from one place to another, one culture to another during the last ten years had left me with a sense of not be fully in charge nor fully satisfied with my life. Dying at that stage, while I still had doubts and was unsatisfied with my career made me more nervous. This became a turning point when I realized that I was spending all my energy to do things for others and to try to keep a good image before others. I thing I was living for others. What became clear to me through that experience is that I am to stop worrying too much about what I am to do or not for others and embark into a new journey, the one of self-identity. I am to ask myself who I really am. How can I become fully who I am called to be?